As you may or may not know, I had Nutcracker auditions last Saturday. I was feeling really confident having had several really strong ballet classes earlier in the week. My ballet teachers reassured me several times that the audition process would be very similar to class. I went in super confident, but left feeling like I had let myself down.

I could go into grand detail about all the minute things that made me feel uncomfortable and analyze all of the steps that I did incorrectly or couldn’t do at all, but I don’t want to do that. It is over. I did what I could and I really hope that the teachers take into account my roles last year and how I perform in class. I decided that I just wouldn’t think about it again until the casting results were announced. Impossible, of course.

Last night, while a few friends were over, my brother, not know how auditions went, said to his friend “My sister is an amazing dancer! She just auditioned for the Nutcracker!”. Of course everyone started asking how auditions went and I said something along the lines of “Oh, well, it went okay. I think I did alright. It could have been better… but I did the best I could at the time and that is worth a lot. Anyways, I will still have fun dancing, even if I have a smaller part”.

Luis, my boyfriend, said that is sounded like I was trying to convince myself of what I just said. And I was trying to convince myself. Just putting myself out there was worth a lot, right? In front of the friends that we had over I was trying so hard to convince myself  that just trying out was an accomplishment.

After the auditions I felt like crying. Nothing went as well as I wanted it to and I’m terrified of getting a “lesser” role than I had last year.

Tears were welling up in my eyes as I walked out of the building, but I was determined not to let my disappointment show until I could hide in the safety and privacy of my car. As I walked to my car I passed a teen-aged girl had just auditioned with me and she was weeping in her mother’s arms. She was saying she “blew it” and that she had “totally messed up”.

I realized instantly that she was the girl that I had been following out of the corner of my eye during auditions. She was the girl that I thought danced so beautifully and had done everything almost perfectly. She was the girl that I watched and thought “Man, if only I could dance like her, then I’d get the part I want”. And there she was a few cars down from me, being held by her mom while she sobbed…I was so stunned that this beautiful dancer felt exactly the same way I did that I forgot to cry.

I’m still trying to convince myself that no matter what I will have fun.The thing is, I know I will be really bummed if I don’t at least get the parts I had last year… *Sigh*

Monday Ballet Classes

I went to two ballet classes last night. One right after another. I took the ballet V class with a teacher that I’ve never had before from 7-8:15 and then hopped into the adult ballet class until 9pm. The adult class starts at 8, but the teacher doesn’t mind us coming in as long as we are quick and quiet while we find a place at the barre.

I really enjoyed the ballet V class. Sometimes I get really thrown off with a new teacher, because every teach has a different method of teaching. I have found that a lot of teachers have favorite combinations or steps that they like to do and I usually have a hard time picking up new combinations. I am definitely a slow learner in that aspect. I have to practice a combination really slowly a lot of times before I can do it quickly. However, the teacher was lovely and I was proud of myself for keeping up with the unfamiliar combinations. I was even able to keep up with about 3/4ths of the center work en pointe! Last night was definitely not a turning night, but I did get in some really good balances! The director of our little ballet company came in and watched a good portion of the class. I’m sure she was scoping out the dancers for the Nutcracker. Auditions are THIS SATURDAY!!! It made me so nervous when I realized that she was even taking notes!

The adult class was very small last night with only 8 students, myself included. I ADORE small classes. It is really nice to have a little more attention from the teacher. I went ahead and kept my pointe shoes on for the entirety of the adult class which was more of an endurance challenge than anything because we usually stick to really simple steps in the adult class. I tried to focus on really working my port de bras, however my teacher, while complimenting me on my arms, pointed out that I tend to “un-tuck” my bum when I focus too much on the top half. Oh the never ending battle!!! :P

Most importantly I am feeling a lot more confident about Nutcracker auditions on Saturday after such great classes.


Three adult ballet students walk into a Level IV ballet class and sit down at the barre.

The teacher says to the class that we will get started in just a few minutes. The three adult ballet students start to stretch and get ready for class.A young girl walks over…

No! We are in fact androids sent to earth to try to infiltrate the world of ballet one class at a time. That is my story and I’m sticking to it! :P

Three Ballerinas Walk Into a Barre?

Three adult ballet students walk into a Level IV ballet class and sit down at the barre. 

The teacher says to the class that we will get started in just a few minutes. The three adult ballet students start to stretch and get ready for class.A young girl walks over and says “So,are y’all like real ballerinas, then?” and the three adults laugh and say “WE WISH”!

True story. We must have looked very convincing. It was a great class. 



Two Monumental Things Happened In Class Tonight!

  1. Honestly, I don’t know how this has never happened before, but tonight in class I was wearing the same leotard as another girl!!!
  2. I, Lillian, adult ballerina wanna-be, procrastinator to the max, and Star Trek fan girl for life very nearly performed a DOUBLE PIROUETTE en pointe!!!!! It wasn’t perfect, but it was closer to a double than a single for sure! AND my teacher saw it! 


…That feeling you have when you miss someone so much and they don’t seem to miss you back…

I wish we could all travel back in time and relive those magical fun filled moments, but that isn’t possible. Is it? That would be too easy. We, as people, are forced to always move forward in time, unable to fix the mistakes we make.

Even though it may never be the same again the good memories that we share, those will last forever. Ok?